Jeffrey Marquis: My Analysis of Televisions' Effect upon Humanity
soliloquy001.htm

Jeepers Creepers! I see the world gazing into pixilated picture tubes
Living through individuals found on television channels with commercial breaks. UHF and VHF with Cable and Satellites. Those galactic angels disseminating information and entertainment through 0's and 1's just binary bits of Earthly Life .
Click-click-click and you're no longer the one who burps and farts ; now instead you're Raymond (WHO EVERYBODY LOVES !! ) Yeah you're Raymond! You're Raymond!!! And everybody loves you!!! YAY!!!
TV Guide: it's Self-Help with masses wondering, "What'll I do these next couple of nights? Who will I be this evening ? "
Soap Operas calming housewives along with a glass of the introductory liquid for the day .
(They call it Mimosa with a pretty name to brighten it because the sun ain't so high in the sky. . .) Winky winky face , smiley giggle with a kiss on the cheek toots! Don't let the door boot your ass on the way out !! The O. J. can be livened up with a dash of vodka; no one will understand the Degree Pursuing (DP) Collegiate Student who takes the morning-after grogginess off with another swig. And what were those li'l pills , Valium for when the wife gets drunk and throws herself around the house , what were those called? Ever tried to remember what you did last night with those things?   and what was the one to wake you up ? You say you want some spring in your step ?
The EMT needs to know what you took. The man needs to know which pills you had. They want you to throw up . They wish for your heaving and gagging to produce puke and result in tangible vomit. Guhhh.
You're just sick right now because you had too much fun . If you'd listened to the wisdom of Beaver Cleaver and every other growing boy who's learned some tried'n'true teachings , or if your lessons-in-living have come to you through The Brady Bunch , well you must accept that any "perspective" and global-ness embodied has merely been communicated by actors and actresses while you sat in your own home staring at a screen .
And all of a sudden you get sick of it like you can't take this any longer not for another second not at all not another heartbeat and that's it there just period end kaput

click click Clickety click , hit the Guide button. . .

If it's a season kick-off it must be good ,
If it's Superbowl Sunday forget about it ,
If it's the one where Ross kisses Rachael it goes down in history ,

Or—if there's nothing on—oh wouldn't that be a nightmare!!—you go to the Showcase for a cinematic thrill-ride where colossal characters tower overhead while you snack on the yummy treats found in the lobby. And you'll order a soda pop to wash it all down. Miss Diet. . . Drink holders. Sticky floors. Digital THX Sound. Lots of Lumens. Air Conditioning. No Smoking. I don't smoke. Thank You. Oh baby this is Heaven !!
Previews: You'll start by spending your valuable time presently watching something you'll pay to see LATER !! We'll definitely watch it –SOME OTHER TIME!!! Let's see that –SOON!!!
Check the ticket. And choose a chair. Then you might think about the bathroom. Do you need to empty your bladder? Want to pee, by any chance?
You lay there in the fold-down seat and allow your mind to play for an hour or two or more but not usually more, and all you'll have is a ticket stub when the fun is over. Those momentary mementos and too-funny catchlines are lost in time. You're afraid to ask yourself, "Did I really learn anything or advance myself in some way ? " Have I not gained substantial insight from watching strangers recite the lines they were paid to recite while acting in such a way ?
It's sweeps week and you know what that means. . . Tivo, DirecTV, etc. etc. the assistants to Joe Johnson's pop-culture gathering, mmm hmm. Hit Info. ( if you don't have digital cable you can use the ol' hardcopy TV Guide if you still get that in the mail. . . who recieves that nowadays ? ) You can find most shows online. It's only 8:00 pm ? Oh line 'em up, baby !!
Your soul is a cluster of television screens .That brain of yours holds more information than a supercomuter !!

Do you remember America's Funniest Home Videos ?
Yes with Bob Saget : a show pushing footage of ordinary life but edited enough so that we only catch the comedy. No I don't want to see Susie open birthday presents or blow out candles on her big cake ; I want the scenario onscreen where she misses the piñata and knocks daddy in the nuts with the bat . It's the big bang of the universe baby with the audience gawking Oh-ho-ho-ho! And it's an interesting realm of our existence, this television, seeing as how the youthful (age : 0 to 12) will live out their fantasies before drifting off to sleep, each and every night, hugging a safety-bear tight and feeling achievement if they picked up a comical tid-bit from the show that everyone talks about. . .

Click. Click. And your Tivo is recording. And the clock is ticking.

TV: What's on tonight ? What's on Wednesdays ? Who's on ?

Looking back at a childhood where I lived through Saved by the Bell characters like Zack "The Man" who was gettin' down 'n' dirty with Kelly, and A.C. Slater who'd be on study-dates the great ah whatshername? the skinny blonde chick —oh and I almost forgot about Screech : present to share a wack-zane-arrific joke about having worn pajamas to school because he forgot to get dressed this morning. . . *DING-DING-DING* Time for class! You better get to class or Mr. Belding will be mad !!

Coming Soon
Higher High-Definition: so real you can feel it , so real the owner must FEED this atomic matter technology. Really real. Realer than real. Everyone's gonna be talking about this one !!
The Surround Sound of an Acoustic Perfection like an auditory Enlightenment with perfect harmonies flowing through your ears and to the target that is your musical heart for a most moving experience .
And they're working on a Sense-'o'-Smell Plug-in .
sniff sniff Go brush your Teeth hun !!
Sky's the Limit !!
Stay Tuned !!
Stay Tuned For More !!
More is coming Next !!
More is on the Way !!
Additional Content is in Transit !!

In summation I'll leave you with a question to ponder: How much of your own thought and emotion is best expressed with reference to, or with imagery from, a television character or movie figure or setting or moment where you watched others on a screen ? hmmm?

Our world promotes learning through tee-vee . . .

c) Jeffrey Marquis 2007

jmarquis @ worcester.edu